The Green Man

Just what London needs - another pub with "The" in its name. The Green Man in London joins the city's approximately 47,392 other establishments promising authentic British pub culture, complete with the requisite wooden beams and questionable carpeting. I approached with the enthusiasm of a cat being dragged to the vet.

But damn it all if this place didn't slowly win me over, like a stray dog that follows you home and suddenly you're buying it organic treats. The Green Man isn't trying to be the next gastropub sensation or craft beer mecca. It knows exactly what it is - a proper London local that somehow manages to thread the needle between traditional pub charm and actually functional establishment.

Let's talk about that garden, shall we? While most London pubs offer "outdoor seating" that amounts to two wobbly tables pressed against traffic-laden streets, The Green Man boasts a genuine beer garden that feels like stumbling into someone's well-maintained backyard. There's even a children's play area, which initially made me roll my eyes so hard I could see my own brain, but actually creates a rather clever setup - parents can enjoy their pints while their offspring burn off energy somewhere other than around my ankles.

The interior splits into two distinct bars, which is rather like having separate living rooms - one for when your in-laws visit and one where you actually live. The saloon and lounge both offer sports screening, but mercifully not at volumes that make conversation impossible. The screens are positioned strategically enough that you can either become deeply invested in whatever match is playing or completely ignore it in favor of actually talking to your companions - a choice that seems increasingly rare in London's sports pubs.

Speaking of choices, the drink selection strikes an admirable balance. Yes, you'll find your standard lagers and bitters, but they've also managed to stock a respectable range of alternatives without venturing into the realm of pretentious craft offerings that require a dictionary to order. The prices won't make you wonder if you should have taken out a second mortgage, which in London's current pub climate feels almost charitable.

What truly sets The Green Man apart - and I can't believe I'm saying this - is its versatility. The private room booking option has apparently saved many a frantically planning family from the horror of hosting events at home. One recent wake (not typically a cheerful reference point, I know) garnered particular praise for thoughtful service and generous catering - though there was one dissenting voice about food handling that management might want to address.

The seafood van that occasionally appears in the car park is the kind of peculiar touch that shouldn't work but somehow does. It's like finding out your straightlaced uncle secretly performs stand-up comedy - unexpected but oddly endearing. And speaking of the car park, there's actual free parking, which in London is about as rare as a politician keeping their promises.

Dog-friendly, card-accepting (including that fancy contactless stuff for when you're pretending those rounds aren't adding up), and staffed by people who seem to genuinely enjoy their jobs rather than merely enduring them - it's all suspiciously competent. The Green Man has managed to maintain its character while adapting to modern expectations, like a grandfather who's learned to use Instagram but still reads the physical newspaper.

Located in a part of London that straddles the line between "up-and-coming" for the past decade and "actually quite nice now, unfortunately," The Green Man serves as a community hub that hasn't sacrificed its soul to appeal to the latest trends. It's the kind of place where you might pop in for a quick pint and find yourself settling in for the evening, making friends with the locals, and wondering why you ever bothered with those overpriced bars in Shoreditch.

Look, I didn't want to like The Green Man. I have a reputation to maintain as a cynical critic who finds fault in everything. But if you're seeking a proper London pub that delivers what it promises without pretense or gimmicks, you'll find it here. Just don't tell them I sent you - I have appearances to keep up.