Swan London

Just what London needs - another supposedly charming venue attached to a tourist trap. When I heard about Swan London nestled next to Shakespeare's Globe, I rolled my eyes so hard I nearly sprained them. Because obviously, what this city's culinary scene lacks is yet another spot serving afternoon tea to Americans clutching their guidebooks and wearing those ridiculous Globe Theatre baseball caps.

But damn it all to hell, Swan London actually managed to pull off something rather special here. I hate admitting when I'm wrong, but after three visits (purely for thorough research, mind you), I've found myself becoming increasingly annoyed at how not-annoying this place is.

Let's start with the location, which should be a complete nightmare given its prime spot along the Thames. Yet somehow they've managed to create an atmosphere that doesn't make you want to immediately flee back across the Millennium Bridge. The river views are admittedly spectacular, though I'm sure they had very little to do with that geographic stroke of luck that's been there for, oh, a few centuries.

The design walks that precarious line between sophisticated and pretentious, landing surprisingly gracefully on the right side. The space manages to feel both contemporary and respectful of its historical setting, which is no small feat when you're literally attached to a replica Elizabethan theatre. The interior somehow avoids the temptation to bash you over the head with Shakespeare quotes and instead opts for subtle theatrical touches that even this jaded critic found clever.

Now, about their afternoon tea service - and I can't believe I'm saying this - it's actually worth writing home about. The themed offerings change periodically, and while the Romeo and Juliet concept should be unbearably precious, they've somehow made it work without inducing nausea. The sandwiches are properly filled (none of that corner-shop thin slicing nonsense), and the scones actually taste like they were made this century. They'll even offer you extras of both, which is refreshingly unpretentious for a place that could easily rest on its tourist-trap laurels.

The regular menu deserves attention too, though I approached it with the same enthusiasm as a root canal. Their seasonal British fare could have been a parade of tired classics, but the kitchen actually seems to give a damn. The wine list is surprisingly well-curated, and the cocktails - while not cheap - show genuine creativity rather than just slapping Shakespeare puns on standard drinks (though there are a few of those too, and I hate myself for finding them amusing).

Service manages to strike that elusive balance between attentive and overbearing. The staff seems genuinely knowledgeable about both the menu and the theatre next door, without launching into unrequested soliloquies about either. They handle both tourists and locals with equal grace, which in this part of London is something of a minor miracle.

What's particularly infuriating is how well they cater to different occasions. Whether you're stopping in for a pre-theatre bite, a special occasion afternoon tea, or just a casual lunch, they somehow maintain consistent quality across the board. They even manage to handle groups without the whole place descending into chaos, which for a London restaurant of this size is practically unheard of.

The pricing sits firmly in the "you're paying for the location but at least the food matches it" category. It's not budget-friendly, but neither is it daylight robbery - which, given the postcode, is something of a pleasant surprise. You can actually have a decent meal here without having to remortgage your house, though I'd suggest saving it for occasions slightly more special than "it's Tuesday and I'm hungry."

Look, I wanted to hate Swan London. I really did. It would have been so satisfying to pen a scathing review about yet another overpriced tourist trap by the Thames. But in an utterly annoying turn of events, they've created something that's actually rather good. Whether you're a visitor looking for that quintessential London experience (ugh, I can't believe I just wrote that) or a local in need of a reliable spot for various occasions, Swan London delivers.

Just book ahead, especially for afternoon tea or pre-theatre dining. And if you do end up wearing one of those Globe Theatre caps, at least have the decency to remove it while eating. Some standards must be maintained, even in these trying times.