The Spread Eagle, Croydon

Just what Croydon needed - another pub with delusions of grandeur. The Spread Eagle in London's perpetually "up-and-coming" southern suburb had me rolling my eyes before I even crossed the threshold. Another Fullers chain establishment trying to convince us it's somehow different from the countless other watering holes dotting this concrete jungle? Please.

But damn it all if this place hasn't wormed its way into my cynical heart like an uninvited but surprisingly charming houseguest. The first thing that catches your eye at The Spread Eagle Croydon is the almost obsessive level of cleanliness - I'm talking "someone definitely got carried away with the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" levels of spotless. Even the bathrooms (usually the true test of any pub's character) are maintained with an enthusiasm that borders on the suspicious.

The bar staff work with the precision of Swiss watchmakers, if Swiss watchmakers were really into polishing pint glasses and crafting perfectly poured Guinness. Speaking of which, yes, it's £6.70 a pint - welcome to London, folks. The beer selection initially had me prepared to write a scathing paragraph about the predictability of Fullers' offerings. Four taps of London Pride? It's like they're trying to win some sort of award for least imaginative beer selection. And yet, somehow, the Pride tastes better here than it has any right to.

I arrived determined to find fault, notebook in hand, ready to skewer another soulless chain pub. Instead, I found myself reluctantly admitting that The Spread Eagle has managed to thread that impossibly fine needle between maintaining traditional pub charm and offering modern amenities. The multiple TV screens showing various sports simultaneously could have been tacky, but they've somehow arranged them with enough discretion that you can ignore them if you're not interested. Though if you are here for the match, you'll have to do without commentary - perhaps a blessing in disguise, depending on who's playing.

The food menu threw me a curveball. I expected the usual pub grub suspects, but they've got some genuine surprises tucked away between the fish and chips. The Thai options feel like they shouldn't work in a traditional London pub setting, but they do - magnificently so. It's like finding out your straight-laced uncle secretly moonlights as a jazz musician, and he's actually quite good at it.

The space itself manages to be both cozy and accommodating for groups, with outdoor seating for those three days a year when London weather cooperates. The interior strikes a balance between traditional pub aesthetics and modern comfort that makes you want to settle in for longer than you'd planned. Trust me, I tried to leave several times, but the comfortable seating and surprisingly pleasant atmosphere kept drawing me back like a moth to a very well-polished flame.

Service walks that fine line between attentive and overbearing with surprising grace. The staff somehow manage to be both professional and personable, which is about as rare in London pubs as a reasonable rental price. They're knowledgeable about their offerings without being pretentious about it - a refreshing change from the "craft beer encyclopedia" routine you get at some establishments.

For those concerned about practical matters, they take cards (including contactless), though there's something slightly sad about tapping your phone to pay for a pint. Parking is available nearby, but it's paid - this is still London, after all. They do take reservations, which is worth knowing if you're planning to visit during peak hours or for Sunday roast, which, by the way, is genuinely worth the journey to Croydon (words I never thought I'd write).

Look, I came to The Spread Eagle Croydon ready to write it off as just another chain pub trying too hard. Instead, I'm sitting here, reluctantly updating my "actually decent pubs in South London" list. Whether you're after a proper pint, surprisingly good Thai food, or just a clean pub with reliable WiFi and sports on the telly, you'll find it here. And yes, I hate myself a little bit for saying this, but you should probably give it a try. Just don't tell them I sent you - I have a reputation to maintain.